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I borrowed the money from my mom and dad and paid it and got my phone turned back on. but that's not the point. the point is..is i let it get that bad in the first place and if i can't take care of my household now..how can i be expected to take care of Masters household when he gets here? He asked me if that's how i intended to take care of his household when we're together and i almost started crying. I promised him it wasn't...and that i'd do better from now on. and even though i don't always have the money to pay all my bills in full all the time..i should be able to put at least a little something on them once a month. *sighs* I hate disappointing Master. He punished me.. (I don't really feel like going into details right now but i might later) and all's forgiven. As hard as it is for me to admit... I really do need him to help me stay on top of things like this. To help me be more responsible and pull my head out of the sand. Sometimes i get so stressed about stuff that without meaning to I try and run from them. I try to ignore them. foolishly thinking they'll go away. when in reality I know they won't. I know i need to face them head on. I Love you Master..with all my heart and soul and I'm so glad you care enough about me to do this for me. To punish me when I need it.. and although i hate admitting that..I do need it. I want it and I crave it. That's really hard for me to admit sometimes because i have been so independant for a long time. Even when i was married..i felt like a single mother raising 5 kids because my ex was always working or busy doing something. and I had to handle a lot of things myself.
Last night I upset Master. He read my blog and got upset with me about 2 things that I posted. One was the Work Crap post and the other was the Some good news! post. He was upset about the work crap post because i was doubting myself and putting myself down. which is a big no no. so i got punished for that, and he was upset with the Some good news post because he doesn't want me to jump the gun and get my hopes up and then have something happen and then be disappointed. I have a hard time handling disappointment like that. So he's worried I'm going to get hurt emotionally. as a punishment.. i was told to get my vibrating egg and lay it on my clit.. but i wasn't allowed to cum. he drove me nuts. talking dirty to me.. calling me dirty names..knowing how wet and turned on that gets me.and constantly reminding me not to cum. just when i thought i couldn't possibly take anymore...he'd tell me to remove the egg. I'd start to get my breath back and come down a little..all the while he was talking to me and asking me questions about why i felt the way i did.. why i wrote the things i wrote etc.. then when he thought i was calm enough he had me put the egg back! he kept bringing me right to the edge..and pulling me back..never letting me cum. He must have done that at least 3 or 4 times..maybe more..i lost count actually. over and over again he did that. I thought i was going to go crazy. i kept begging and pleading and he wouldn't let me cum! :( Finally after what felt like hours he said Yes! and omg it was Huge! lol.. I'm sorry Master.. for putting myself down and doubting my abilities. I know i can do the job. I've been doing it for almost 6 weeks now. I promise to try and not doubt myself again... and i'm sorry I let my enthusiasm and excitement at the thought of us finally being together to get the best of me. I know it's not definet that you'll be able to be here on that day. and i know better than to let myself get my hopes up. I'll try and do better about that too oK?
here was the scenerio.. me and master were talking on the phone. things were getting a little hot and heavy and he wanted me to "talk to him" he wanted me to tell him what i would like to do to him. Now..i can talk..I'll talk your ear off on some things.. and in the middle of an orgasm I can turn the air blue..lol. "Talking" is not the problem. my problem is "explaining what i'm seeing in my head" hearing those words come out of my mouth. Hearing me say "I'm taking you in my mouth and playing with the head of your cock while cupping your balls in my hand...etc.." Hearing those words..or words similar to that.... I can't say those words. I can't! I've never ever been able to. they physically get stuck in my throat and choke me. my mind goes blank and all i can think is "Oh shit.. i've got to say something" They sound stupid coming out of my mouth. I've always had a problem saying certain words. I'm much better at writing that kind of stuff..i can write about it all day long..but to actually have to say it.. to hear those words coming out of my mouth in my voice.. i just can't. I hate that i can't say them..i wish i could say them as easily as some people do..it annoys the hell out of me that i can't just open my mouth and say whatever the hell i want when i want. i can say pussy cat, and pussy willow and not hesitate..have no problem at all.. but to say.. i want you to touch my pussy.. i can't do it.. i can say .."I want you to touch my..." and then my throat closes up and "THAT" word won't come out. I've even tried using different words... thinking maybe if i called it something else..it would be easier to say.. and it's not. I honestly don't know WHY i can't say that.. or words similiar to that.. I don't know why my throat closes up and my mind goes blank..it just does.. and i hate it. so anyways.. he wanted me to "talk" to him.. and i wanted to do it. I tried to do it.. and i just couldn't do it. so i didn't say anything. :( and i got punished. He gave me a couple different chances.. warned me what would happen if i didn't say it.. and i couldn't do it. i felt horrible. so he made me go get my plug and my clamps and turn on my cam. He told me to aim the cam towards the floor because usually i have it situated so that all you can see is my face. i had to kneel on the floor across the room so he could see me..and he had me put my plug in and put my clamps on. One side of the clamp on my right breast..and the other was suppose to go on my clit *ouch!!* it wouldn't stay there..it kept falling off. :( (I'm sorry Master) so he had me put it on my lip instead. Then i was told to put one hand behind my head and hold the phone with the other hand. I was told to crawl on my knees across the floor towards the cam..and then back again. The first trip took me a long time to make. mostly because of that fact that i was aware that the cam was on and he was watching and i froze. I didn't want him to see me like that. (which i know is stupid..) I literally had to force myself to crawl towards the cam that first time. I couldn't look up from the floor..i was too embarrassed. I didn't want to see him..seeing me. the trip back was the hardest of all though for me. because i knew that he would be able to see the end of the plug against the white of my ass and i could just picture it in my head..it looked ridiculous or gross and i didn't want to look that way to him. (sittin here writing this.. i've just realized that my hardest hurdle to overcome is my pride. I don't want to be made to look silly or ridiculous.) hmmmmmm gonna have to think on this a bit.... anyways.. because my first trip took me so long..i had to do another. to the cam and back. once that was done.. he had me put my hands on the floor in front of me and raise my ass in the air for a spanking. (now your probably reading this and wondering how he was going to spank me.. since we're not actually together... let me see if i can explain this part a little bit) I have a very VERY active imagination. when he's explaining things to me..i can literally feel it like it's actually happening. I can close my eyes and picture it and "feel" it. I know, I know..it doesn't feel exactly like what it would feel like if he was actually here...and actually doing them to me...but it all has to do with my mindset..where my mind and thoughts and feelings are at the time. k so i'm kneeling there on the floor..hands in front of me and my ass is raised up.. and he's spanking me..i can hear the sounds over the phone and inside..in my soul...it felt like he actually "WAS" spanking me. i almost started crying..i was fighting really hard not to because it hurt..and it hurt that i had disappointed him. finally, He stoppped and it was over..and i was emotionally exhausted. He told me to take the plug out but to leave the clamps on. He told me that he loved me...and i said i love you too... and it soothed my heart and soul to hear those words from him and to be able to say them back..and mean them with every cell in my body. I love you Master.. i really truly do love you with everything that i have. After sitting there for a few mins to catch my breath.. he had me take the clamp off my lip and attach it to my other breast. man......it hurt coming off my lip..lol.. omg. He told me to lean back against the wall behind me.. then he started "talking to me"..telling me the things he wanted to do to me..and he told me to close my eyes and imagine that he was there...that his hands and lips were on me..omg i was so wet... He told me to spread my legs apart a little bit..and part of me struggled with that.. i didn't like the thought of being that exposed. I kept picturing in my mind..how that had to look and it disgusted me.. but i forced myself to do it.. i was whimpering and whining a little..but i did it.. I was very proud of myself after doing it thought. becuase that's a big hang up i've got. afterwards... i laid on the floor just kind of floating and smiling and we talked for a few more mins. then we told each other we loved each other and hung up and went to bed.
I'm beginning to hate my plug. "Hate it" in a kind of Omg not again...please don't make me get my plug" as I'm grinning ear to ear kind of way. lol. Master is getting wickedly inventive with his punishments also. Not only did i have to wear that thing for a while (not sure how long..i couldn't see the clock and if i asked how many more minutes one more time..he said he would add 5 minutes onto the time..lol) but i had to get on my knees with my hands behind my head and crawl back and forth across my living room..and it better not slip out either. After completing my circuits across my living room..i was allowed to lay back down on the couch and relax the rest of the time.. (yeah right..relax with that reminder in??? lol) and i was informed that i'm lucky the kids were here (they were asleep in the next room with the door shut) becuase otherwise he'd have made me do my circuits in front of my Cam. at the beginning of my punishment...he made a comment about how i'm not going to want to be late for bed again tomorrow because he had something wicked planned for me as a punishment. hmmmmmmmmmm makes me wonder....lol I told him.. that's not fair.. that just makes me curious and curiosity killed the cat remember?? part of me wants to know what he has planned ...part of me (the part of me that was being punished right about then..did not) LOL I don't think i'm going to push it tonight. lol... He's beginning to enjoy this very very much. I was reminded..My bedtimes 2am. Not 2:01am, Not 2:00:59am but 2Am. I am to be in bed at 2am. I'm thinking of starting another journal..one that's just for keeping track of my punishments. LOL i think that one might get filled up quickly. I'll have to discuss it with Master and see what he thinks. I'd also like to say..that i'm glad people are starting to comment on my blog. I really appreciate it when people do that. It lets me know i'm not just writing to hear myself type lol. so keep commenting ok?? :)
I'm kind of torn about it thought..and i know Master is too (we've discussed it a little bit) He likes it when i'm being playful and doesn't want me to feel like i can't be playful with him..but he doesn't want me to think i can be disrespectful either. It's a very fine line between the two sometimes... I also got punished for missing my bedtime. although in my defense..I had asked for an extension and he granted it. No time was specified as to how long the extension was for... but i will admit...i pushed it a little.. ok i pushed it a lot. I didn't conciously doing it on purpose though. I didn't think to myself ..ohhhh i'm going to stay up as late as i want etc.. It just kind of happened. I had a friend over and we were going through my music files and just chit chatting and time slipped away from us...The next thing i knew it was 6am. Master says no more extensions. :( This whole rules thing is taking a lot of getting use to lol...part of me wants to stand up and say ..ok I'm an adult here..i can make my own decisions. I've been doing it for years.. yada yada yada. but another part of me really yearns for someone to care enough about me to make rules for me. to help me take care of myself. so i know my boundaries. etc.. it's like an internal war going on. lol Not sure if I'm explaining this right. grrrrrrrrrrrr I gave Master the name of another Dom he can talk to and ask questions of. I think it's a good thing for him to talk to other Doms and see how they handle things. I know it's helped me talking to other submissives and slaves. This journal is a big help also because it lets me sort out the thoughts and stuff going through my head. It also lets Master see inside my head too.. Since he reads this.
I've never actually been in a real-life D/s relationship that mattered to me as much as this one does.. actually ...this is my first real-life one i've ever been in. I've had 2 other Masters..but they've been online.. I've never met them face to face. and even though i cared about them and wanted to please them...this is different. Masters new to the lifestyle.. and he's learning as he goes along..but believe me..he's good at it...lol here's what happened tonight...well ..actually..it started last night..so that's where i'll start. last night Master and i were talking on the phone like we always do...and i was being my usual smart alec self.. but playfully..not disrespectfully at all. and he happened to make a comment about not liking the distance between us because he can't punish me as soon as i do something wrong.. well..that got me to thinking... (which sometimes isn't a good thing...as you'll all see...lol) and being the good little slave that i am.. I decided to "help" Master with his learning a little bit. When i got up in the morning before work i decided to do a little research and send him some links and stuff about long distance punishments etc.. (now...looking back on this...i can see how utterly stupid this was of me...given the situation that happened to me tonight..lol) but i never claimed to be a genius..lol so today... he got the links..and read them.. and asked me questions and i answered them truthfully of course.. and apparantly he learned a lot... lol earlier tonight we were on the phone again and i was teasing him about something...and he decided to try out one of the things he learned today.. he had me get my plug out and i had to wear it for 20 mins while talking to him on the phone.. now part of me was shocked...part of me was excited..and part of me was in a way pissed.. is it normal to be pissed or upset or a little peeved about something that i actually want..and crave and need? i'll probably write more about this later..as i process the thoughts running through my head.. i just have one last thing to say here... I love you Master..... and Thank you for caring about me..
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